Naeranira

A few other questions, put up here in case no one wants to read this novel of mine (no hard feelings. It's just that there's not really anywhere I can express myself about this. I did hold back believe it or not -.- ) What sorts of entities go about possessing people? And why, respectively? Are there any possessions not considered a negative thing, i.e. more symbiotic? Multiple souls sharing a body? I doubt it, but if so, how can you tell the difference? If I do indeed have a demon, it wishes harm only on those who 'deserve' it, i.e. rapists, pedophiles, etc. Still hateful, predatory emotions, but very specific. It feels protective and guardian-like, as I am, as far as innocents go.. This is confusing to me, because are demons not evil creatures? Why would they distinguish? And I have been driven to hurt innocents in my youth by something. It just seems different. Which leads me to Can multiple beings affect me in different ways all at the same time? Must they all mean me harm? I have been told that at least 1 entity around me looks like a stone gargoyle. And does not seem innately evil. They suggested it was a past life incarnation of me, actually, which is confusing. But I've also heard tell of reptilians having a gargoyle-like appearance and being tricky. Kind of random, but has anyone heard of anything like this? Can you be possessed by yourself? Do you think that is really what is going on, or is it something malicious trying to trick me into having a affinity? It is so complex How can I break the shackles of mind implants, of entity oppression, how can I retrieve my soul? I am so weakened and nothing has worked so far. I am desperate honestly I remember at age 12 I wrote a poem about something trying to claw its way out of me. I have always had rage problems, since very young, and in these rages I was able to lift/throw heavy objects (an entire couch for example) with supernatural strength, I would snarl, bite and claw. For context, I was abused badly from near infancy, so this was in response to said treatment, usually. Once I glared at my abuser with such heat that he literally turned pale and actually backed off of me. I also had a couple rare sociopathic moments; the worst was, I killed a mouse in cold blood, squeezed the life out it in curiosity. I was 6. It still haunts me. On the light side, I was a happy, fey creature who spent my time delighting in nature, and playing with great energy with animals. People commented that I glowed, that I had a gift for joy. This was merely eclipsed by whatever that other mental state was I took some pleasure in the expression of rage. It made the pain in me less. I learned to keep it to myself, from harming those I loved, eventually. But if I do have a demon, it is very full of rage, because I am very full of rage... it burns in me, always, this anger at being trapped and abused and treated so poorly... it makes me wish to escape and wreak my revenge. But on whom? Not innocents, for all I feel toward them is protectiveness.... men, perhaps. Those men which consume porn like demons of lust, empty of respect, of the innate protective natures they are supposed to have, who instead take out their perversions on women and children alike in the form of physical emotional and sexual abuse. Them, part of me might harm gladly. Might rid from this world and feel no remorse All through childhood, my nights were filled with terrors, murmuring voices constant as water flowing, great, black eyes in the windows, dreams of falling through the sky, of running uncontrollably and afraid in dark forests and waking with the door to outside open, covered in bruises and scratches. I felt presences in the room. I was paralyzed with terror and would lose memory.I was sick. I felt a great emptiness open in my belly, and then the pain. Suffice it to say my darkness fluctuated over the years. My heart was always innocent, simple, wishing only the best for myself and others, but I could not seem to control my actions at times. Ultimately I hit rock bottom, became demon-like myself (more calloused, cruder, more aggressive, more sexually perverse) to try to 'toughen up' but ended up trying to kill myself because I hated what I'd become. I survived that, ending up in the ER and a behavioral place A month after getting out, I was attacked by someone, violated by another, somehow survived those things, too. I had truly hellish PTSD that would wake me in a dumb prey-like panic, release me to sleep hours later, empty of tears and soaked in fear-sweat. My episodes had me mindless to the world around me as I listened again and again to the echo of cruelties done to me., felt the helplessness, the betrayal, the part of me that still trusted people on some level, die. I weathered the storm and it was a rough year recovering Which brings me to now, today, a year and a half later. I am halfway free, in that I can stop my words when they are mean or thoughtless, quell aggravation, etc. Indeed there is a lot less to quell. I am much more peaceable and my relationships with people are healthier than ever. I have many happy moments My problem now is how I feel all of the time. It is both a pressure, and a pain. It is like torture. I cannot sit still long enough to paint, or to make music, or any of the things I used to love, I haven't the patience. When I try to do these things, the sensation intensifies, as if my insides are twisting up around themselves to tearing. It has had me in the fetal position, weeping like a broken child, or vomiting violently; it feels like there is a clawed fist, or a giant barbed fishhook in my back, wrenching. My mind is weighted by something, squashed by an oppressive presence. Every step I take is as if through quicksands. This is what I experience all day long, on a lesser to moderate level, and extremely when I have what I call 'episodes,' which can be caused simply by my tiring of resisting (rare), or by my being startled/upset somehow... it's like, I drop my guard for a second and I am overcome. They are also used against me in punishment if I do anything to try to better my situation, function more fully. I have had an episode come on as punishment for reading about aliens, MILABS, anything that is a threat to this... imprisoning That, and certain thoughts remind me of specific traumas and I will relive those feelings over. But repeatedly and intrusively, to the point where I want to stop up my brain. It gets severe enough at times I wish to die to end it, and at times I think that is the idea. That the more I resist the less use I am, and I am encouraged to die, though I continue resisting stubbornly. There are also things I can still be horrified with and that fear is an undercurrent to my life. And I have hateful thoughts about myself, refer to myself in insults mentally, if I do not catch myself. There are ways my mind does not seem at all my own. There is so much will in me, so much life, yet it is tired, tired. Sometimes I want to give up the ghost.. But I don't know what would happen if I stopped fighting. Only that, somehow, I would not be myself, and that that is a terrible thing. I spend my days wandering my bedroom like a fevered and restless ghost, trying to contain the chaos in my belly, the static in my mind which is like a waterfall, constantly beating, as I try to think of, to learn of, a way to escape. It is what I turn all of my energy to. My own desire for freedom, for vast alpine meadows and monolithic trees, my own calls, are mixed with those of whatever possesses me, whether it is a demon or my dark side I do not know. My mind is broken, the fragmented thoughts are scattered by the deafening roar of a wild creature kept in a cage in the dark, by the keening cry of some sea bird tossed far from the ocean by a gale, with only a memory of shining waves to sustain it in its exhausted flight for home I seek help. Though I do my utmost it has been my entire life so far and I am not yet free.

My father grew up on a haunted farm where there were abductions/odd goings-on, and seemed to carry them away from there... my mother had no (memorable) trouble with demons until she married him, at which point she said there were so many and always around that she had to pretend they weren't there just to stay sane. My father was extremely troubled, emotionally distraught and abusive; demon-harried. A healer he visited outright told him to go because his energy was so dark. Another told him there were 33 demons surrounding his person. His energy is, to me, light and elfin being consumed by some cold, angry, hungry entity; it wishes to consume all. He traumatized my mother and I terribly, with both verbal and physical abuse, leaving us with complex PTSD, known in spiritual terms as soul tears, I think? Along with that, demons visited me nightly from my youngest years, suffocating, haunting, abducting, and scaring me to the point where I also had to just pretend it was not happening, to never speak or think of it just to survive. Of course I have now realized this was exactly what they wanted and the wrong thing to do. I have been extremely troubled myself, over the course of my life... the darkness of nighttime seemed to be consuming me, I went from a robust child with a gift for happiness to an underweight, energy-less wraith. I remember thinking that it felt like there was an icy knife in my chest (heart chakra damage, I guess?), a hole torn in my stomach (solar plexus?). I feared to sleep, ate little, dreamed nightmares only, and my only relief was nature. I spent my days in trees, making friends with them and the animals, for they were in my eyes far more kindly than humans. It only got worse, unfortunately; even when I moved out from my parents', the demons of course followed me. I became rage-prone, selfish, small-thinking, greedy.... began to display demon qualities myself, qualities my whole life I had despised and avoided but which had tried to crop up. All the while I had no notion of what was happening to me. Hating what I was becoming, and tormented by what I did not know, I tried to take my own life I survived, left an unhealthy relationship, went through some hellish things which made me all too aware of unhealthy beliefs I have had, ways I have been Somehow all of this resulted in my eyes opening very wide. I am aware and have been made aware of by trusted individuals that there are some very powerful (at least as far as these low creatures go) entities attached to me. One is hooked into my back, and this is by far the most troublesome. It pains me constantly. It feels as if there is a clawed hand gripping my muscles, my bones in its grip and squeezing relentlessly, creating pain enough to bring me to my knees and cause tears. I do no exaggerate that it can be agonizing. It extends tendrils into my heart and drains me, leaves me a fraction of energy with which to go about my day (fear-harried and indoors/in nature, never in public; I am a hermit to an extent that is not by choice. I feel imprisoned).. And all this, now, with me consciously knowing (roughly) what to defy, and defying it. I've had success in regaining more of my thoughts and will but the pain has worsened, and if ever I am gripped in despair it is a nightmare to escape I am a happy person, naturally. I'm lucky to find joy in little things like buds, the first thunder of the season, food enjoyed among friends.... I am not hard to please. Except that if my guard drops for even a second, if something startles or upsets me, I am in its grip and experiencing awful physical and emotional sensations that can warp my very view of reality, and that if I am not swift to escape will urge me to kill myself It is very confusing, because day to day I live in a cheerful and loving fashion, and this entity causes me 'episodes' which punctuate normal daily life. I do not understand how something needing to parasite off of me can have such control over me. I feel my very thoughts are intruded upon, my mind's eye, and most especially my spirit's sanctity I have learned from dreams that there is at least 1 mantis-looking, alien-like being, a reptilian gargoyle/alien-like being, and some shadow creature that is hard to discern... at least. With the level of pressure I experience from the creatures I would easily believe there are more. I have tried to banish these from me, and a trusted healer friend did manage to remove.at least something for a time... but their grip is ridiculous. They just keep coming back. I am guessing it has to do with my father, who is dealing better outwardly but still demon-harried now.. I was also told something very strange, which worries me and I would like clarity on: that I am harboring a past life gargoyle-looking incarnation of me (reptilian I am guessing)... and out of compassion/willingness to take on a burden, whatever that means? Why would I sympathize with such a creature? And how could it ever have been me, repulsed as I am by its darkness? Apparently I have some sort of karmic tie, unclear. I've read of bloodlines especially harried by just such demons and it does seem to apply. It seems they are linked to me on many fronts And so I do not know how to proceed. My efforts feel like the weak wiggling of an animal in a trap. And I want to act quickly, because 1) my quality of life is very poor despite being in the best circumstances I've been in in my life, this due to what I refer to as 'episodes' (the agony and crippling despair/assaulting triggering imagery to make me wish to die, which is no small feat). And 2) it feels as if I am in a critical place, like I've drawn negative attention with my efforts and so the anti is being upped and I am already struggling to withstand as it is. I KNOW I am stronger than these beings, it just seems as if my power has been stolen somehow. I seem stuck between doom and redemption and all I want is to be myself, think my own thoughts, act freely. Does anyone have advice for me? I'm sorry this post is so long, it may subtract from replies, but I had much to say apparently. It would be a dream come true to find external help, as it seems clear to me I am in need of guidance, support and healing. What is going on in my family, with all these demons? Why do they have such control over me? And how do I escape, not just temporarily but once and for all? I am done with this long chapter Edit: also, I am not able to access spiritual gifts well at all anymore (could heal with my hands, astral travel/meditate at will, etc. as a child. Much harder now)... it feels like they're locked to me. I have heard of energy implants and I believe I have many. I assume escaping these would be part and parcel of escaping the entities Any assistance would mean much. Thank you for reading