A few other questions, put up here in case no one wants to read this novel of mine (no hard feelings. It's just that there's not really anywhere I can express myself about this. I did hold back believe it or not -.- )
What sorts of entities go about possessing people? And why, respectively? Are there any possessions not considered a negative thing, i.e. more symbiotic? Multiple souls sharing a body? I doubt it, but if so, how can you tell the difference?
If I do indeed have a demon, it wishes harm only on those who 'deserve' it, i.e. rapists, pedophiles, etc. Still hateful, predatory emotions, but very specific. It feels protective and guardian-like, as I am, as far as innocents go.. This is confusing to me, because are demons not evil creatures? Why would they distinguish? And I have been driven to hurt innocents in my youth by something. It just seems different. Which leads me to
Can multiple beings affect me in different ways all at the same time? Must they all mean me harm?
I have been told that at least 1 entity around me looks like a stone gargoyle. And does not seem innately evil. They suggested it was a past life incarnation of me, actually, which is confusing. But I've also heard tell of reptilians having a gargoyle-like appearance and being tricky. Kind of random, but has anyone heard of anything like this? Can you be possessed by yourself? Do you think that is really what is going on, or is it something malicious trying to trick me into having a affinity? It is so complex
How can I break the shackles of mind implants, of entity oppression, how can I retrieve my soul? I am so weakened and nothing has worked so far. I am desperate honestly
I remember at age 12 I wrote a poem about something trying to claw its way out of me. I have always had rage problems, since very young, and in these rages I was able to lift/throw heavy objects (an entire couch for example) with supernatural strength, I would snarl, bite and claw. For context, I was abused badly from near infancy, so this was in response to said treatment, usually. Once I glared at my abuser with such heat that he literally turned pale and actually backed off of me. I also had a couple rare sociopathic moments; the worst was, I killed a mouse in cold blood, squeezed the life out it in curiosity. I was 6. It still haunts me.
On the light side, I was a happy, fey creature who spent my time delighting in nature, and playing with great energy with animals. People commented that I glowed, that I had a gift for joy. This was merely eclipsed by whatever that other mental state was
I took some pleasure in the expression of rage. It made the pain in me less. I learned to keep it to myself, from harming those I loved, eventually. But if I do have a demon, it is very full of rage, because I am very full of rage... it burns in me, always, this anger at being trapped and abused and treated so poorly... it makes me wish to escape and wreak my revenge. But on whom? Not innocents, for all I feel toward them is protectiveness.... men, perhaps. Those men which consume porn like demons of lust, empty of respect, of the innate protective natures they are supposed to have, who instead take out their perversions on women and children alike in the form of physical emotional and sexual abuse. Them, part of me might harm gladly. Might rid from this world and feel no remorse
All through childhood, my nights were filled with terrors, murmuring voices constant as water flowing, great, black eyes in the windows, dreams of falling through the sky, of running uncontrollably and afraid in dark forests and waking with the door to outside open, covered in bruises and scratches. I felt presences in the room. I was paralyzed with terror and would lose memory.I was sick. I felt a great emptiness open in my belly, and then the pain.
Suffice it to say my darkness fluctuated over the years. My heart was always innocent, simple, wishing only the best for myself and others, but I could not seem to control my actions at times.
Ultimately I hit rock bottom, became demon-like myself (more calloused, cruder, more aggressive, more sexually perverse) to try to 'toughen up' but ended up trying to kill myself because I hated what I'd become. I survived that, ending up in the ER and a behavioral place A month after getting out, I was attacked by someone, violated by another, somehow survived those things, too. I had truly hellish PTSD that would wake me in a dumb prey-like panic, release me to sleep hours later, empty of tears and soaked in fear-sweat. My episodes had me mindless to the world around me as I listened again and again to the echo of cruelties done to me., felt the helplessness, the betrayal, the part of me that still trusted people on some level, die. I weathered the storm and it was a rough year recovering
Which brings me to now, today, a year and a half later. I am halfway free, in that I can stop my words when they are mean or thoughtless, quell aggravation, etc. Indeed there is a lot less to quell. I am much more peaceable and my relationships with people are healthier than ever. I have many happy moments
My problem now is how I feel all of the time. It is both a pressure, and a pain. It is like torture. I cannot sit still long enough to paint, or to make music, or any of the things I used to love, I haven't the patience. When I try to do these things, the sensation intensifies, as if my insides are twisting up around themselves to tearing. It has had me in the fetal position, weeping like a broken child, or vomiting violently; it feels like there is a clawed fist, or a giant barbed fishhook in my back, wrenching. My mind is weighted by something, squashed by an oppressive presence. Every step I take is as if through quicksands. This is what I experience all day long, on a lesser to moderate level, and extremely when I have what I call 'episodes,' which can be caused simply by my tiring of resisting (rare), or by my being startled/upset somehow... it's like, I drop my guard for a second and I am overcome. They are also used against me in punishment if I do anything to try to better my situation, function more fully. I have had an episode come on as punishment for reading about aliens, MILABS, anything that is a threat to this... imprisoning
That, and certain thoughts remind me of specific traumas and I will relive those feelings over. But repeatedly and intrusively, to the point where I want to stop up my brain. It gets severe enough at times I wish to die to end it, and at times I think that is the idea. That the more I resist the less use I am, and I am encouraged to die, though I continue resisting stubbornly. There are also things I can still be horrified with and that fear is an undercurrent to my life. And I have hateful thoughts about myself, refer to myself in insults mentally, if I do not catch myself. There are ways my mind does not seem at all my own.
There is so much will in me, so much life, yet it is tired, tired. Sometimes I want to give up the ghost.. But I don't know what would happen if I stopped fighting. Only that, somehow, I would not be myself, and that that is a terrible thing. I spend my days wandering my bedroom like a fevered and restless ghost, trying to contain the chaos in my belly, the static in my mind which is like a waterfall, constantly beating, as I try to think of, to learn of, a way to escape. It is what I turn all of my energy to.
My own desire for freedom, for vast alpine meadows and monolithic trees, my own calls, are mixed with those of whatever possesses me, whether it is a demon or my dark side I do not know. My mind is broken, the fragmented thoughts are scattered by the deafening roar of a wild creature kept in a cage in the dark, by the keening cry of some sea bird tossed far from the ocean by a gale, with only a memory of shining waves to sustain it in its exhausted flight for home
I seek help. Though I do my utmost it has been my entire life so far and I am not yet free.
