Vargtid

(possible trigger warning; dead animal part) Hello all, it's been some time since I've posted here; I'm Varg. I only post here when something significant happens, and tonight something did. Something did indeed happen. This, in my 20+ years as a Shaman, made me quiver a bit. I live out in the desert in far Western Colorado. I own 5 acres out here, and keep track of it regularly, and hunt my own land, as is needed, etc. Well, about 5 months ago, I was driving my tractor where I usually do, to pile rocks, at the bottom of my property, and there was a deer leg. It was just sitting there. I'm a hunter and a butcher, a Shaman, a Mysticist, w/e you wanna call me... well... having butchered my share of deer, I noticed something off about this particular severed deer leg. The thing about it, having butchered my share of animals was that this leg had been cleanly cut off at the joint, and about one inch lower, the fur was cut with a knife, right around the bone. This obviously means this was from a skinned deer. When you kill an animal, you pull out the eviscera, and then immediately cut the skin from the bone, to separate the meat from the bone, before it goes bad, and etc... well.... deer have 4 legs; and a head. and about 10 pounds of viscera. There was none of that. Just the one leg portion laying there neatly where I drove my tractor. And so I gave pause. There was no blood, no sign of anything; (besides, who would take the time to clean a dear 100 yards into someone else's property? You'd pull it home and clean it there) - just the one clean cut leg. I found it odd, for aforementioned reasons, obviously; so I kicked it aside, under a piece of jutting rock, out of the sun. That was five or so months ago. Fast forward to today: Some very ill words were exchanged between my sister and me, and I knew, and said so to my parents that things were going to change. I knew something was going to happen. Something. It kept me, this thought of woe, up all night until about 1:30am when I remembered that one deer leg from like 5 months ago that was left on my property that I kicked under a rock. So I, with just a flashlight and a knife for protection, in the middle of the night, on a whim (welcome to Shamanism), hiked back down there to find something - and something I found. In that exact spot where it originally was,, was the deer leg. Not where I kicked it - nope - it was exactly where I originally found it. Yeah, I know, "coyotes moved it" or something, no - this was an inept, desiccated deer leg not worth the trouble of scavenging - and it was right back where I found it. Precisely. I honestly hiked down there at 1:30am expecting that, and there it was - moved back to where it was. Again, without a mark; only footprints in the dirt. Of course after 6 or so months in the desert heat of the summer it was so dry that you could practically blow and the fur would fly off, leaving only bone. It was that dry... although we are just at the end of a rainy season atm, after Summer. I knew this was the sign. It had been placed there, and then moved. This, someone did deliberately. so I removed it and left a ᚨ rune carved in the dirt in its place. (if that rune doesn't appear for you in your font, it was an Ansuz Rune), and took the leg home with me. I figure someone wanted me to find it, and then after I moved it, they put it back, so 5 months or so later I took it and left a Shaman's Rune in its place to let them know that I too am like them. Why did this happen? Who put it there? Why did they move it? Why, after 5 months did I hike down there in the middle of the night to know and find all of this true? Welcome to the mysteries of Shamanism. I will cut it down and carve it into what it should be, and see. I've worked much with animal bone in my past, but how would whoever put it there know that? I don't fucking know. But I now have another powerful tool against bad spirits. -Varg

Fin, I apologize for it taking so long for me to get back to you. I am very busy with work. I got an email from here saying that you messaged me, but I'm so fail with the internet that I can't figure it out. (And yet my business is my YouTube channel - lol - sad but true). I fucking love "folkish" as you said, music. For instance Einherjer, or Old Man's Child. Both are Norwegian artists from the early 2000's. Einherjer was more 'Norwegian Folk Metal', and Old Man's Child was more like 'Norwegian Black Folk Metal', if such a thing exists.. but yeah. I received an email notifying me that I had a message from you, but I'll be honest and even after reading it I couldn't make sense of it. I have many friends in Northern Europe, where, as far as I can gather you're from, and we have amongst us an inside joke we call 'English fail'. It's cool. Just email me directly at ryanpinkston8@gmail.com I couldn't make sense of the message you sent me here, nor can I figure out how to pull it up... yeah, and I'm the guy who makes my living from YouTube; pure dumb luck. Just toss me a proper email. Thanks, -Varg

Fin, Allow me to give you an example of patience, if you could be so humble; my favorite band is Cradle of Filth: I listen to them every day - all but songs from their original album, 'Total Fucking Darkness'. This because I own it, on vinyl, original, unopened, in mint condition. This record sits on my shelf and although this is my favorite band and I could at any moment listen to any song from there on YouTube, I choose not to. I still have a perfect copy of their first album on vinyl in the original cellophane, frozen in time. Once time speaks to me, I'll know it's time - it'll likely be years more; perhaps there's something within that album I'm not yet meant to know to better myself. I will learn it then. Until that moment, the original LP still factory and unlistened of my favorite band sits on a shelf. When the day is right I will hear it. Though I have heard and seen them live - them and every other band like them - this one record remains sealed. I know enough not to ask questions. Answers are revealed in time. I know how that sounds, but from my experience anyway 90% of my other-world experiences were things I didn't expect at times when I wasn't prepared. That said, I don't just 'wait', now, prepared with wisdom, I collect things which someday may spark intuition. Again, I don't follow the tradition of those here. I forge my own path, but they know that. That's why I posted my personal email above. I would never try to derail what these cool people are doing here. -Varg

You never know who you're going to meet on the internet, and that in itself is always an adventure.

Fin, Wow, so many questions to respond to... I follow my own path, and let that be known. Although I have the utmost respect for the Makers here and have read their writings, I maintain my own beliefs - and they know this. It's no sign of disrespect - no - I'm a Shaman in what I see as a great Shaman community on the Internet. We are who we are and define convention. It's okay that I'm not perfectly aligned with everyone here. I'm here, as is everyone else, because I'm different. Are not we all? The Shaman irl with which I spoke of earlier who I met with was... a harrowing experience, and was not paid for btw, but just an encounter. As far as tattoos go- they're not for everyone. There is Alchemy in ink. I have two or three other girls' names inked in me to remember, but my current partner is not among them. It's because she is important. When I know the way to put her name on me and where and how, I will. Everyone expresses themselves in different ways. That said, funnily enough mine are not 'expression', as I cover them... but rather expression for myself. For only here, in my home do I see them. Idk if that makes any sense. As far as a sprit animal goes - and again, as I have said I am not like those here, but it is something that you will know. Perhaps some life experience will show you. I have learned much through patience. All that said, Fin, please email me at my personal email ryanpinkston8@gmail.com and perhaps we can speak or video chat or w/e you want - we can arrange it there, off-forum. That's my email, and that bit is up to you. This is the best place to meet people like myself and I want not to draw anyone away from here, but if someone is closer to my beliefs than others, then I would obviously love to speak with them personally. I give my email because that's personal and business and I check it all the time and will respond, and I realize that even here I'm a bit of an outcast because I'm not a Maker - but are we not all here because we are outcasts? Also, you clearly share a love of Black Metal, lol, so there is that. -Varg

I agree with you completely on that. It's become part of my brain; but that's okay... The way I see it is I have added answers to variables that were beforehand lingering in my brain. This is one reason I find comfort in books. I can read of others' experiences and languages and not have to go there. No, it's not a lazy outlook, but rather one of wisdom and foresight - or at least that is what I tell myself. I do still experience what I read. The current book I'm reading is by Sade. That's an experience. So there's that. -Varg

On YouTube my main channel is Darkdally. youtube.com/darkdally And the same greetings to you, by the way, kinsman! I am not a fan of technology by nature, but that, honestly just kind of fell into my lap. I work from home which however does suit me because I get to be alone and read books and practice. I do practice solo, and such like that. I've had an adventurous life which ... lol now is mostly retirement and Shamanism, and that's the funny part, because Shamanism is anything if not adventurous. There are more videos always coming on the afore-mentioned channel. It's mostly military gaming because irl I am military, but I'll tell you that my true passions are exploring, hunting, books, and languages. Perhaps boring... but I've worked enough that I can finally enjoy those and learn. Thank you sir, -Varg

The first thing I thought was yeah - I lost interest after Vortex and Mustis Were gone. I last saw Dimmu live back in 2003, and that was about it. I did enjoy their remake of Stormblast in like '05, but yeah. And as far as your comment on Kristian becoming Varg - yes - I know the whole story. Overall, I couldn't agree more. Haha. You made me actually laugh out loud. Good on that, Fin lol. Moving on, you raised a great question in that what was it that had me realize the wolf as my sprit animal? I will have to think on this. First off, I was using the name Varg long before I'd ever heard of the events of Mayhem back in the early '90's. If that was a thought, then nah, because that's just coincidence. It was something else, back in ... let me think.... Fin, I first got introduced to Northern Paganism, (which I later came to find were my ancestral roots), back in '99. I feel I've told this story before, or at least that bit. Before I knew my true calling as a Shaman, I was a 19 year-old Wiccan with eclectic beliefs just basically going off books I had read. I first found much of what I had in the early 2000's, like '01 and '02 through, oddly enough, an RPG, like D&D, that I was playing with friends. I played my character as part of the 'Get of Fenris'. I barely knew who he was at the time, or not to mention other wolves such as Freki and Geri, but I guess .... it was... not like yours. I have spoken with a Shaman more advanced than I, back in I believe '09, and that was far more ... whatever than I care to recall here. She knew more about me than I care to admit. You know how it is. It just came into me. In every circle I've been the oldest, the most experienced, the wisest, and the most clever. That along with my associations to Odin... just led that way. I knew names of Odin before I even really went down that route, and used them, without knowing. I was born on a Wednesday. I, as Odin, have sacrificed myself many times, and my life here, to gain other knowledge. It was some twenty years ago when I realized my kinship to his wolves, and not decided, but knew that that's where I belonged. You understand? The sprit animal of oneself can't be a concious choice, but rather a realization, or revelation of how you lived. That's how it was for me. Thank you, ~Varg

I'll be frank here to get to the meat of the subject: I'm blah blah and have been blah blah blah, back a very long time ago, and I think on many things less and less every day over the past twenty years. "Time has a way of taking time" ~ Megadeth. Good quote. What troubles me is a girl I was with last year, and I have no doubt that it will continue to come back on me, as if she's ever found competent to stand trial, I'll surely be called as a witness. I will exercise my Fifth Amendment right and stay silent. This post is about PTSD, and this is why: There is no real, general way to deal with it, and let's be honest - that's a righteous bitch. But it's true. I still think of the things I saw this girl do that creep into my dreams. Time does indeed have a way - it does take time, but things fade away. I post this because someone mentioned it and I still have trauma so fresh in my mind. The very mention of it will always call it, whatever it is back up. That is, until it finally goes away. Any business that happens towards you is just that - yours, and no one else's. Take this from an expert in the field of avoiding thoughts of traumatic shit, okay? I try to think in the 'now'. How do I deal with this girl who effed up my life last year? It's like impossible to not think of something, because that alone triggers your brain to think of it. Trust me, I know how it goes. Let's turn this positive. Trust me. My most recent traumatic memories are of driving this girl back and forth between here and Vegas and all the things that happened. Most people thing of Las Vegas as a cool place where anything goes and what-not. Sure. Well I have things in my head from there that haunt me still... so... no problem - here's how I plan to fix it. First is a good PMA. (positive mental attitude); the knowledge that I am going to fix it. Next is I'll save up like 10 grand or something like that and take a solo trip out to Las Vegas and stay in a super cool hotel suite and blow all the money on gambling and whatever and live that life that the town perpetuates. What I mean by this is creating new memories. When people here in the US think of Vegas, we think of decadence and debauchery, drinking and gambling - not of things that happened to me. So I see it as a simple matter of I refocus my life on what I have here and what I learn, and then, perhaps in a couple of years, I go back out there, alone, and live the LV life to excess and 'overwrite' all that bad crap. Take it from an expert in suppressing bad memories - make good ones to overwrite them. It works. -Varg

Welcome, I am Asatru as well; since my introduction to it 23 years ago. I was on the other side of the system in jail, but that was then. I too am retired now and know well anything you wish to speak of Asatru, Shaman, or otherwise. I don't check these forums often, but I always try to keep up with good folk. Blessings to you. -Varg

As a follow-up, and on a more personal note, amongst my tattoos is one on my left arm which reads "ᛈᚱᛟᛞᛁᚷᛇ ᛟᚠ ᚹᚨᚱᚠᚨᚱ". "Prodigy of warfare". It's a quote from a Dimmu Borgir song, but most importantly a reminder of where I came from and who I am now. Always be who you are, in that moment and eff the rest of the world, - Varg

Thank you for the reply, FinWanderer. Varg of course refers to the wolf in Norwegian, and also serves as the prefix to the word in English, 'vagabond'. We are wanderers and teachers. The wolf is my spirit animal, hence my name. Thank you. I can speak much of Asatru. Both from having been in prison, but mostly my studies and the books and such I've collected. That said, I do find it so sad that in such mentioned places it's designated as like a racial thing and none of them know a single thing about it. I was always regarded as upper class, because of that, but that's just stupid prison politics. It really is a shame that what I've spent my life on becoming such a thing. Moving on, it's good that you have a partner, and although I don't know you, I'm happy for you. It never seems to work out for me. Take joy in every productive day spent with such a person, I say. Tonight the Moon is nearly full. Live every day to its fullest. -Varg

You've come to the right place. I first found the path that lead here in the military. We'd congregate in the sand out in the PT course every Sunday, as opposed to the more conventional religions. I too have PTSD, but it's not from military service, but rather from a person I was with this past year - a woman. Moving on is not necessarily the same as moving forward. I always look at things as 'moving forward'. We're forever moving forward towards whatever brought us here, and that's why you post here now. The people here are kind and caring, and I can attest to that. I personally read a lot of books and learn history and work to keep my mind off of things. When the mood strikes me, as tonight I stepped outside and saw that it looks to be a full moon tomorrow,, I think of where I came from and what is important. I've always gone my own way, hence my name, 'Varg', or whatever it is here. I am a true lone wolf. I realize however that not everyone is - not that it's anything to reach for; it's something some of us are comdemned to. I say this because you mentioned PTSD. My response was to draw further within myself where I feel most comfortable. It may be different for others. I'm always here - on and off -Varg

As far as your reply to a part of my post, I think you should be more aware. I formerly served time in prison for burglary, and will tell you that that person was exhibiting the number one MO of home invasion. It was likely nothing to be fair, on that topic. But people like this have ways and means of their own. I personally try not to understand others' motivations; people act of their own accord. But as I mentioned, yes that's true. And so I know. When someone comes to your door and acts as such it's them casing your house. I am fine now and off drugs and all of that for some time, but that is the MO of home invasion. You likely already knew that. I'm on this forum to help as I can with my own experience. -Varg

I so apologize, but perhaps part of the answer hast just struck me. I do already have a YouTube audience of near 100k. I can do whatever there I can get away with, whish is quite a bit, let's be honest: A year ago or so I posted a video on how to break down and conceal carry a weapon restricted in most of your states. The problem is these videos don't get a lot of views - maybe only a few hundred or thousand, and it detracts from my normal viewership, but it's a jumping-off point, is it not? I sick of catering to teenage viewers who only want video games - I already have the platform, in a sense. Still, I am open to any response.