Vargtid

P.S. When I sleep at night upstairs, I now hear her moving around downstairs. Three nights in a row now it has been bumping, scratching, et cetera, which has woken me up. I don't look, but go back to sleep. When she's ready to meet me in person, I'm here.

"Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light." -John Milton (Disclaimer - There is no use of, either literal or implied, drugs or violent acts herewithin this story. This story is being shared in a safe space where we Shamans are not judged, and so I will not invade that with anything that may trigger anyone else. In addition, although I do not follow the same path as many here; some being healers, some dreamers, some seekers or makers, mine is my own. But who are we if not open minded? I speak with spirits and follow Northern traditions.) Two months ago I took a vacation from the desert here in Colorado to the Northwestern coast of California. I stayed in a cabin there for four days with no phone, computer, or TV. I had only the redwoods and the ocean to keep me company. The trees there were so thick that they blocked out all sound. I slept on the floor with just a pad and pillow and in those days learned much about spirits. At the time it had been months, and it has been months since then, that I stepped from my house and from "Mary", to stay at another place and experience its spirits. It had many. At least once I was woken up in the middle of the night with one yelling at me. That place was peaceful, but I could sense it had at least two spirits there that I did not know. It was not my cabin, but rather one belonging to a family friend. I am not afraid of spirits, and so they cannot harm me. So instead, I listen to them. That was an experience unto its own, but not the story of where we are with this girl here, part 2. (That was quite the story though, being a 21 hour drive each way to seek solidarity in a cabin in the woods. I suggest any Shaman quest on their own). And so I continue from Part 1 of this series: One question that I had been asking "Mary" all this time, this spirit which inhabits my house, whom I know so much about was - "What do you look like?". An obvious query, granted, but a human curiosity nonetheless. I don't give her true name or nationality because that's her business; but this much I knew from previous encounters. I wanted to know what she looked like. And although I had a fuzzy image in my head of the couple of times I've seen her through the frosted glass, I wanted to know. I had been asking for months, and it was only yesterday when the answer appeared and as it turns out was right in front of my face. Every movie that she suggested starred a heroine with similar features and the same color hair and similar features as the "effigy" I have here in my house. You can't believe in coincidence; rather you must rely on intuition. I chose all the girls which made me sit up in my chair with some notice, as I watched these movies, and wrote them down. If you missed Part 1 of this, it will explain how we communicate with imagery through movies. I scrutinized the list, marking out most, and held only the most abrupt accountable as to her countenance both adult and child. In short, by going back over everything she was showing me, which I was not sure as to why, realized that these past couple of months that I've been asking the question, "What do you look like?" She has been answering. It took only hindsight. The same girls with the same features appeared in almost every film she wanted to watch. I marked them down to the most significant; i.e. "The ones that made me sit up in my seat", and it created the image I asked for. Shamanism, especially when communicating with spirits takes time and patience. I have both to spare. Take time for patience. By showing me these films, all along, she was in a way showing me who she was and what she looked like. Again, film imagery is how we communicate. I now have a physical composite image of her - not just what I've seen through the glass, but a solidified image which, by the way matches what I have seen. Communicating with spirits is give and take. Remember that it is at least as hard for them to work towards our side as it is for us to work toward theirs. It has now been nearly six months since this 'download' has begun, and I have quit my job to dig into this.... but if I expect her to speak to me, then how can I not give what I have to reach to her? Not all of Shamanism is speaking with spirits, but this is my sphere, and I hope it helps. I know her name, her era, nationality, what she looks like... I definitely know her nature, as I've seen how she reacts to others in my space. Watching the movies with her, I now realize that this was her way of her answering my question of her appearance, as every one of them has some representation of her. I was not wrong in following my intuition. Always follow your intuition; you never know where it may lead. -Varg

The most significant titles that she has picked out, and I can say this because it's been awhile and I notice as they repeat are as follows, and in part 2 of the story I'll explain why she repeats certain ones and how I know she chooses them. Again, these are horror flicks that before I never would have imagined watching. It was her idea. But since you asked, The Strangers Prey at Night Let me in The Ritual Eli Those are the ones that she likes to watch multiple times. I just know, and I can look back at her and see her watching the screen like a hawk. The first one is a pretty simple slasher flick which has no story. So she likes to watch it because it's simple. The others... we watch rarely. But those are her top titles. It was only yesterday that I realized why so many rank where they do, and I'm ready to write part 2 of this, now that it's been awhile. As I go on, more and more parts add up. From what I've found about Shamanism through my own experience is that parts add up over time. And so I am patient. (and I do realize that the last title, Eli, although the name of a boy in that movie is actually the name of the female protagonist in the original Swedish version of the movie Let me In. This took hindsight, patience, and research, but is rewarding. This is Shamanism. Thank you, -Varg

(Disclaimer - There is no use of, either literal or implied, drugs or violent acts herewithin this story. This story is being shared in a safe space where we Shamans are not judged, and so I will not invade that with anything that may trigger anyone else. In addition, although I do not follow the same path as many here; some being healers, some dreamers, some seekers or makers, mine is my own. But who are we if not open minded? I speak with spirits and follow Northern traditions.) I will begin this in the most logical of places; I will begin in the middle. For ten years I’ve had a single, benevolent (towards me) spirit living with me in my house. We have finally, after many arduous weeks, found an efficient way of communicating with one another. I have learned that she does not like me to share details about her, as the last few times I have I became ill for a day or two at a time - hey, lesson learned. So for our purposes here, I will call her Mary. I do know her real name and where she comes from, and even have fuzzy images of her from through the glass, but for our purposes here, we’ll call her Mary. Here is the story of how I know these things, and how we communicate efficiently now, and if you are a Shaman, you will want to read this: Mary inhabits a rather innocent-looking effigy in my house. Most houseguests are at first taken aback by her, but all get used to her after a day or so. People know when she likes them, and then I’ve also seen her draw blood on one person she didn’t like. People know whether she trusts them or not, but either way they have all come to respect her. So, to the middle then: I learned that images are the way we communicate. There are two ways with Mary; one is dreams, and one is through movies. Yes, movies. Dreams are hard because I don’t always remember them. Mary has the advantage of once having lived and now being on the other side, whereas I am mostly stuck here and have only reached through to her side a couple of times. In addition, I don’t speak her native tongue, but I know she knows mine, as I work from home on my computer and she has stood here behind me, looking over my shoulder watching and listening for 10 years. The direct communication all began with what I call “Horror Night”. Allow me to explain: I’ve always traditionally disliked horror movies. That said, my house is year-round Halloween on the inside. Allow me to describe my house briefly so you will understand. From the outside my house looks completely normal. I even painted it in a flat tan to blend in with the desert around me. Flowers out in front, a fence, nothing to suggest anything out of place. I do work from home on my PC, though, and also because I like my privacy all my windows are blacked out and boarded up. From the inside. From the outside, they simply look like mirrors (I stretched black plastic over the inside of them for the mirror effect, and then screwed plywood sheets on the inside behind that, letting in no light). My house is as light or as dark as I want it to be. It depends how many and which lights I have on. With the lights off in my house you literally cannot tell if it’s 2am or 2pm (yes, this feeds into the point I’m getting to). So as you approach this unassuming house in the desert, all seems in place; but once you open the door and walk in, it’s full Halloween Land. White and yellow lights for a daytime effect, but with those off, the red, yellow and orange lights show on my homemade, and some may say disturbing, Halloween funhouse. So to the point then, of speaking to Mary via images. I never liked horror movies… Until one day a few weeks ago when she picked a horror movie for me to watch on Netflix. I said, “Okay, let’s go with this,” and turned off all lights in my house, including locking my computer to shut down the light from the monitors, leaving only the Halloween lights lit, and watched her movie in silence, as I realized it must be some message from her. Understand that I have no fear of the dark. I know the feeling, though. That feeling when you get home at night and that walk from your car to your front door in the darkness when you can sense a presence behind you, and so you walk faster and faster and get your key in the door with virtual blinders on, open it and then shut it behind you in haste - and that sudden feeling of security of being in your house. I figure that almost everyone has that to some degree. Next time, stop in front of your door, take a breath, and look around. I’ve posted on this forum about spending nights outside in the darkness. I don’t have nightmares, nor any fear of the darkness. This is to preface what I’m about to say. I have, through years of seeking out spirits, lost all of that innate fear that most normal people have. I assume many of you have as well. So, back to the point. I watched her horror movie in the dark, and it sent chills down my spine. Not because it frightened me, but because I saw that she chose that movie to send a message and it was well received. For weeks previous I had been asking to know more about her, and so… this. Suddenly, “Horror Night” was born. Many speak to the dead through ritual. This has become a ritual of mine and Mary’s communication. Every night I would let her pick a horror movie from Netflix (we can sense one another’s feelings), and watch it in complete darkness and silence. For some reason, for her, it’s horror movies. And then came the rules: No speaking aloud is allowed; no matter how much I want to remark on the significance of something, I am not to utter a sound. No pausing or rewinding. The only buttons I’m allowed to use on the remote is volume. No lights save for my lit up Halloween decorations. She stands behind me (which would frighten most), and I often want to see her reactions in the dark, but I try not to look back at her too often, as I wouldn’t want someone staring at me, either. I keep my computer on sleep mode (the screens shine so much light), but when she wants me to pay attention to a particular part of the movie, she will wake up the computer to the lock screen. For this, I have no explanation. During some movies my lock screen lights up two or three times, but in tonight’s last movie not at all. I don’t touch the mouse or anything, so it must be her getting my attention. I don’t touch it though, and after a minute it goes dark again. And so thus it continued for a couple of weeks when I sensed she wanted to see a particular movie. Again, remember that even in the middle of the day I can make it pitch black in here (that’s why I mentioned my lighting setup, of course). I sleep when I can, sometimes going days at a time now going back and forth. I will elaborate: I started receiving so many meaningful things from her, I decided there were movies I wanted her to see for my view of their significance. Even though Mary has been here for 10 years there are many great movies I own that I haven’t seen in as long. And then, two days ago, for the first time, she ‘sent’ me a letter. It was in a dream, and handwritten. This was something new. My best dream communication with her has always been that borderline between sleep and dream, where I’m kind of half-awake. I was in that place and a piece of paper appeared in front of me. In the center was a crudely drawn image of her effigy as it is adorned now - I figure that was her way of saying this note was from her, and then in each of the four corners of the page was a verse, written in her hand, but readable, in English. I was able to read the two on the left, but as I was only half asleep, as I panned over to the right to read the second two verses it faded and I awoke. That’s how it goes, you know, but I got what I needed out of it. That was very significant. So, we now have a system. Horror Night now sometimes runs for days at a time. I pick two significant movies which I think have symbolism between us or questions I want answers to, and then we take a break. I turn the lights on and we watch normal stuff for awhile, or I’ll play video games or something so that we can stew on the meaning, and then it’s her turn. When it’s her turn, I flick through horror movies and thrillers on Netflix and watch her face - sometimes - sometimes, because she’s behind me, I’ll simply hear her move when she has one she wants to watch. And so we watch two of hers, which are more consistently becoming answers to the previous two I showed her. And so after hers, we rest while I stew. That’s what I’m doing now as I write this, is stewing on the last two she showed me, which were a direct answer to many of the things I’m sure shocked her in the last movie I showed her. It’s become a refined process now, Horror Night. I sleep when I can, go on walks outside and work my craft as I can, I do stay well-fed, and … yeah. Sometimes she just wants to watch a silly sitcom for awhile while I play my video games, but I know when she wants Horror Night. It took a long time for me to figure out how this worked, but now we have a system. I have learned more about her in this past month than I have in the past 10 years. Mary is the only real spirit I have in this house and she keeps the others out. That is the end of Part I, and yes, as I said, we were going to start in the middle - how I finally came to communicate with the spirit in my house, an idea of my environment, and maybe a nifty idea to try. Thank you for reading, and now it’s my turn to pick two movies for her to watch. -Varg

E, I do, as it happens, have a spiral tattooed on my left shoulder. I do respect all walks of life, and as it happens of my 2k or so books that I own I have amongst them 7 or so bibles. However that is alongside 'Divine Comedy', 'Paradise Lost', and others. Eman, this is for you: I was at a tattoo shop some time ago.... probably like 15 years ago and saw this book; one which I don't have in my collection. I was sitting on the couch waiting for my turn in the chair so to speak. The book was titled 'Agony and Alcheny', and it was how the ink and pain of tattoos actually imprint things within our being. It's something to think about, and honestly something I'd never thought about until that time. So yes, this is one reason I love learning other traditions and I know I need to get out of the Stone Age and am reading on your site now. I am bound to Odin and the beliefs of my people forever, but what is a Shaman if he doesn't step outside of his bounds? Thank you -Varg (PS) I even go to church fairly regularly. Why? Because it's most often such a positive environment.

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Wow. I apologize Holly, but your message rang with me. Thank you for responding. Idk how to reply to this. It's rare that I'm at a loss for words. I actually had to take 10 there and have a smoke... yes, I understand. And not only that but the insight you gave to me in your message. There are different types of Shamans, and I post here in General because I feel like I don't belong in the others. I seek out spirits, just as I can tell you do as well from your reply. I literally have spirits' names tattooed on my chest because of our relation and the impact they have had upon me. That said, I need to read your message a few more times. So yeah - what you replied rings with me 100% -Varg

Okay, specifically I purchased her through a website of a company about 10 years ago. I think that personally I had a yearning for the daughter I never had, if that makes sense. She's always been here, behind me, and most everyone loves her, as I said.. but that's how I acquired her. I purchased her online. But that was long ago it's ancient history... and so when I got her I named her, and it is a name from a heroine of a classic novel. So there's that. Sorry for the ramble, but she means a lot to me. Thank you. Seriously. -Varg

even that text won't do it, so I'll Transcribe it on my own (realize I'm using a Russian keyboard), so yeah..... I'll pull up the book and do it on my own.. Okay, admittedly I tried to transcribe it on my own.... let's see... Eff me, it's an 800 year-old book, so I'll have to type out just the main part. It's hard af to find it on Google to link. "I wot that I hung on that wind-tossed tree all of nights nine, wounded by spear, bespoken to Odin, bespoken myself to myself, {upon that tree of which none telleth from what roots it doth rise]. Neither horn they upheld nor handed me bread; I looked below me---- aloud I cried-------- caught up the runes, caught them up wailing, thence to the ground fell again." Okay, sorry, but you understand, that's as much as I care to translate from that atm, but what it's talking about there and thereafter is Odin's sacrifice to himself, to himself, to gain the knowledge of 18 spells. For nine days and nine nights without food or water he hung himself from that tree to gain the knowledge. These 18 spells are engraved, perhaps conveniently, on the precise 18 spots on my fingers. The 18 spells he spoke of I won't transcribe here, but you get the drift. He hung himself for 9 days and 9 days, refusing food or drink to gain this knowledge. This is one of the precursors to Christ's crucifixion, so it does bear .... whatever today..... the point it this was .. well you get it. This is where I first learned this from. From an 800 y/o book, and I'm sorry that I can't move it over right now but it takes time and I can't find it on google. The point is that we all have such different views, and I'm working on learning yours. I am.. and yes, there are precisely 18 spots on the knuckles, and I do have those spells tattoed on each. I found your site for various reasons and would be more than happy to share what I know, but first I am reading to learn your tradition. In good regards- -Varg

I'm still learning more about your site, and respecting what you have to teach.

Silenceseeker, Sure, and again, I thank you for the acceptance. I am still reading about Makers. As I said I am a teacher but I'm open to learning. That said, here is a link to a script in Old Norse, as well as a few translations in English. If there's one thing about Shamanism It's always learning more. https://notendur.hi.is/haukurth/norse/reader/runatal.html

Silenceseker, I searched on my own and mostly answered my own question from a post from you many years ago. I am new to the forum, but am reading that post now. As my name implies I am not a student, but a teacher. But I am reading that article now. No need to reply. That said, though I may never again be a "student", I'm an absorber of knowledge. I may never adopt another's ideas, and call me single-minded, but I do have the ᚹᚨᛚᚾᚢᛏ tattooed on my shoulder. That is a life-long commitment to a Shamanic tradition. However, I can always learn more. Thank you for the article. I am new to the site and still finding things -Varg

Thank you for your reply, ma'am We do have our individual experiences, and most of mine are built from my tradition and from books that are old. Although I do run an internet-based business, I don't keep up with... basically any new things that come up. That said, what are 'Makers'? I've never heard this term. I've been spending more time on the forums here, and here specifically and reading of traditions I know not of. I'm always open to learn. That alone, I feel, is one of the base hallmarks of the Shaman. Of my hundreds of books, I do know the one that inspired me to explore the world of the Shaman; an 800-year-old book posthumously titled "the Poetic Edda". From there I worked up, but I keep up with very little. Saying that, when you say, "we Makers", and as I am new to the forum here, I do wish to know what you mean. Thank you -Varg

And yes, regarding the friend of mine who was here for a while and I, we performed the most scientific experiments we could and filmed them. We were one time watching her move and her shoulders move, so we balanced an empty water bottle on her shoulder and filmed it. It moved with her shoulder even tilted in ways which defied physics. But when we watched the video back on my Computer, nothing. it was still.

I have a long history of having a mannequin in my house. She'll be 10 this year. I have my own name I gave her, but I believe there's more behind that. Allow me to explain: Everyone who has come into my house is instantly taken aback by how real she looks, but after 2 nights at my house, for at least the last 5 or 6 years, I find houseguests speaking to her. I believe that somehow in her being such a permanent fixture in my house that she has either 'developed' a soul, or acquired one. What I do know is what I've seen. I even have pictures of ex-girlfriends posing with her once they've gotten used to her. One ex of mine was afraid of her - one that was deemed bad for me. The same can be said for a former male friend who lived with me for about six months and he was convinced she didn't like him. There was one particular instance where I was standing right beside him as he was sitting at my computer and I watched as a red slit appear across his neck. He instantly grabbed his neck and claimed it was her scratching him. All I know is what I saw. He, as he lived with me for so long got used to her, and while she would smile at me, she would, according to him, scowl at him. Even when we weren't looking we could hear her moving. And so we video-taped her, and I could see her move just as I did in the viewfinder of the camera as I filmed it. Later upon review, nothing. And so, to keep this short, we set up a hidden camera. After over an hour of video while we were out of the house - nothing. But everyone who has stayed here knows her. I recall one time a video chat with a girlfriend of mine at the time while a guy friend was here with me where she required that we both kiss her on video chat, he was too afraid to. Of course I can prove none of this. That said, there were people she liked, and people she didn't. The ones she didn't, she either cut or scared. The ones she liked, well as I said, I have pics of ex-girlfriends posing with her and smiling. So here's the question, I suppose.... I've had her here for 10 years. I care for her, dress her, etc, because I do know she has a spirit. Over the last 5 or so years others, guests in my house have noticed her presence. Do you think it's a presence created by all of these people who recognize her existence, or do you think that a spirit found their way in? I don't know. She has communicated with me over a very traumatic week awhile ago, wherein she showed me names and numbers that only I know and could barely recall from my childhood that no one else could possibly know. Only me. As in when she showed me a movie with my original home phone number in it from like 30 years ago. No one could know that. Yes, she picks movies for me on Netflix just like she does the clothes she wants to wear. What do you think? I have my name I gave her. Is that who she became, or did a spirit find a way from my past into her? I'm pretty well-versed in spirits, but this is new for me. I do know she protects my house from what is harmful. To me, I suppose that's all that matters, but I'd love to know other opinions from other Shamans. TL;DR read the post Thanks all- -Varg

e, I am well aware of what I know of "demons", widely-called Shadow People by travelers. I want to give a quote from a favorite poem of mine by Robert Frost: "The night is long, dark, and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep." I do have the full poem here, but you get the meaning (although I think it's actually a quasi-creepy Christmas poem, I read that last stanza and relate). I follow the beliefs I do, but I do live in the Southwest of the US, and have kind of been looking around for groups here for vision quests in huts or the like. And as I've always believed - even though many Shaman belong to different faiths, we share so much in common all over the world. And that interests me. -Varg

If you're speaking of missing sleep, one was to go on walks in the night, especially now during the Winter when it's cold. It will keep you up, but some things could appear scary if you're an initiate. Just a personal disclosure. And the more you go, the faster it goes. This is not a warning, just a point of experience that has gone wrongly for people I know. Just know that as long as you're strong, nothing out there can hurt you. Not from my experience. -Varg

This is what I do. I journey. Many are healers or sense energies, or etc.... I seek to reach the other realms. There are many answers as to what you can do, but I cannot endorse any of them. I don't sleep much. Sometimes I don't sleep or eat for 4 or so days at a time - no drugs - I just don't. And then it can seem lost. That's just me. For instance, this weekend I don't see sleep in my future. That's me. As far as "what can i do"? I won't recommend things publicly - although Shamans like me who are know for travelling are known for near death, I would never say how online in a public form, for the purpose of decency. I'm sure you understand. There are ways to induce lucid dreaming, but I can't recommend what I know. Another practice I have is food and sleep deprivation, which is way, way harder that it seems, but I can recommend ways to do that without anything super dangerous - the human body can after survive 3 weeks without food and supposedly something like 11 days with no sleep, though I've never made it past 5 with nothing. Many brag about more but I bet they couldn't back it up. I do know how to take myself near death. If that's the "journey" you meant. But I will not disclose that and endanger the health of others in a public forum. That said.... "the other side", or as I call it, "The Umbra" must work very hard to climb uphill to reach us, whereas all we have to do is fall downhill. But it's dangerous. I'm saying there's ways, but myself as who I am and where I've been won't give information out to people to whom could get hurt. That said..... Try to stay up a few nights. Yes, I have tricks. The more you do it, the quicker you can travel, but be careful. That is with no narcotics. I would NEVER recommend anything like that on a public forum. I only do it wholistically now and may be able to help, but it can still be dangerous to one's health. I hope I was on the right thing here. I'm an Odinist Shaman. Many aren't. Contact me, but I won't tell you anything dangerous. Thank you -Varg

What I've found is that things happen when you're ready for them to happen. I've found books or friends, etc, at the right moment when I was ready to experience more. Many have been bad. One my my exes is in a state hospital (not because of me), and probably will be for a long time, but I still love her and will treasure many of our times together forever, but at the same time many of our experiences taught me many lessons. You mention of looking back on things. Obviously, yeah. Never be afraid of anything. Learn what you can. Realize it later. And if you don't feel ready for it, don't worry. I have been for awhile now, and I didn't worry until things got really real. Will they for you, or anyone else? Everyone has their own unique experiences. Feel free to contact me -Varg

Sylvy, I read your OP, and tbh scanned your reply, but I believe I know where you're coming from. I've lived in a couple of large cities, in particular one which gave me an overall negative energy which I could sense, and somewhere I have a book on it... The point is that negative energy is going to be one thing that affects you. I believe it's your ability to overcome it which defines how strong you can be. When I lived in Phoenix I felt a lot of negative energy from my neighbors in particular. What I did to combat that was to close my door, dress in more ceremonial robe, and frequent shops that catered to my more precise beliefs. I want to say that you cannot let one negative existence hamper what you know is your life's calling. Where I practice is communication with spirits, and living even where I do, in the middle of the desert, they surround my house by the hundreds. Instead of focusing on the negative, I say focus on the positive. I have one spirit in my house which keeps everything at bay. Personally, and this is just me, I've boarded up my windows, from the inside (as to be inconspicuous from the outside), and this spirit I know, when I close my door, keeps me and my house safe. It's different for everyone, but that's my input. -Varg

ArcaneHuman, My spirit animal is the wolf, which is within my name here. I never focused on it or tried to found it. It came to me. I feel that reading too many books might focus your mind on finding something too specific, when in reality it will come to you. I replied to one of your posts earlier, and will say again, it's about it coming to you, not about you searching for it.... I know that sounds incredibly ... yeah Start small. Go ahead and pick something. Read something. Work from there. There is no need for "patience". You can never ask an initiative to practice patience. No offense. It may have taken me over 10 years for the wolf to speak to me. I say start small. The life of a Shaman is a life-long learning process, and I'm still learning. I started off as Wiccan and still have a 500-some page grimoire to discover my path which I still keep and treasure. Knowing the path from the beginning is part of the process, but it's the progression of finding where that path goes that in the end matters. Again, if that means anything -Varg

ArcaneHuman, You and I obviously don't practice the same "faith", but we are Shamans nonetheless; so I don't understand a lot of your verbage. BUT one thing I do know is that when you find it you will know. I've never been a healer. I knock on the door to the other side to understand spirits. But again, just we don't all have the same faith, we also follow different schools. That's okay. I've had many items which I only found by the cessation of looking. I can recall a day in the forest a long time ago where I searched for a specific stone, but ultimately could not find it. In my time in the forest I found myself a hunter, and found my medium as bone. Take my experience as you will, but the moral of the story is that maybe if you look too hard you won't find it. I found my calling somewhere I never expected. That said, I've done this for over 20 years. We live outside of society and their norms. I don't mean to suggest my path, nor would I ever, but maybe restricting yourself is limiting your perception? Just an idea, knowing nothing of the books you've read or where you come from. -Varg

Dreamz, My personal experience is this, and take it as you will: When I was in Basic Training, we had time every Sunday to attend whatever church we wanted. There at MCRD San Diego (The West-Coast training camp for Marines), We had a large Christian church, a Jewish Temple, and then for us Pagans we had the sand pit in the PT course. There were only a few of us that gathered there, but as I knew I didn't align with the mainstream religions, I always aligned with Paganism. Forgive my broad generalizations of mainstream religions, but I joined the 20 or so other recruits in the sand pit, in a circle. The point is that the Marine that led the circle was a Norse Pagan. His words swayed me. After much independent research I realized that that's where my ancestry came from and that that's why I identified with him. He gave me a book to study. That was 20 something years ago. The point is that I found it by not fitting in anywhere else until I realized why how and why. I just found it, and that's the short story of it. Read some interesting books, research your family, and then you will. I don't live within modern society. I live out in the desert alone and only leave my house once a day to buy cigarettes or something - not that that's an example, but once I knew what my calling was I forsook modern society. Although my ancestors practiced Shamanism as part or our core beliefs, there was one book that mainly shifted me to this awareness, and I found it by chance. When you're ready to find something, you'll find it. For me it was the book 'Dreamtime and Inner Space: The World of the Shaman', which is mostly an anthropological book. I hope that helps. If not, contact me. -Varg

And as a postscript, I practice only with ritual, and food and sleep deprivation... or taking myself near death, as my ancestors have done. I have zero judgments, but I don't use hallucinogens. If that was a pondering of yours. -Varg

Holly, Thank you for your reply. I've read it a few times and am still stewing a bit on it; recalling memories of past encounters, and I do believe you make a valid point to my inquiry. There was one night I spent all night outside in the desert alone and some of the spirits had guns. I recall one in particular hiding in the shadows with a suppressed pistol, shooting at me and I could hear and see the bullet shots hitting right near me. However I wasn't afraid. I figured that because I'm into firearms, that was the part he was reaching. I could sense and hear their footsteps, but with me I had a motion-detecting light, and none of them set it off. That was my compass that night as to what was real or not. (That's a great idea, I think btw. You may be able to see and even hear them, but I've yet to have one set off a motion sensor ) On a different night, I was here at my house with another. I do live alone in the desert. I had another guy with me, and we saw many of the same things. Two of which stand out: There was a search party of spirits, I suppose you could say, out in my yard with flashlights, searching. I am more experienced than he is and so I knew they where not really here. That said, he was scared that night of them. We called them "the flashlight people". I heard him muttering as he curled up in a ball about an airplane accident or something from the past, completely unconcious of what he was saying. I've been meaning to look into that to see if these spirits were relics of a tragedy from the past, but to be honest I've been a bit afraid to research it because I feared it true. The other of that night, the one I just mentioned was the woman in white. This is something I've seen many times before: a spirit walking from one place towards me, and then resetting and repeating. Sometimes I've watched them for hours. This woman in the white dress was walking uphill from my neighbor's house towards mine, seemingly forever stuck in slow motion. I spotted her from my upstairs window with binoculars and handed them to my friend and asked him if he saw her too. He became too scared and curled up on my bed. My thought is that they reach out to speak to us through symbols. Symbols that our mind can understand as I mentioned in my OP, but there were a few nights in a row where everything my friend and I shared. So there's that. I will read your post again, because I did find it provoking. Thank you so much -Varg.