My demon-troubles and spiritual imprisonment

[Naeranira]

My father grew up on a haunted farm where there were abductions/odd goings-on, and seemed to carry them away from there... my mother had no (memorable) trouble with demons until she married him, at which point she said there were so many and always around that she had to pretend they weren't there just to stay sane. 

My father was extremely troubled, emotionally distraught and abusive; demon-harried.  A healer he visited outright told him to go because his energy was so dark.  Another told him there were 33 demons surrounding his person.  His energy is, to me, light and elfin being consumed by some cold, angry, hungry entity; it wishes to consume all. 

He traumatized my mother and I terribly, with both verbal and physical abuse, leaving us with complex PTSD, known in spiritual terms as soul tears, I think?  Along with that, demons visited me nightly from my youngest years, suffocating, haunting, abducting, and scaring me to the point where I also had to just pretend it was not happening, to never speak or think of it just to survive. Of course I have now realized this was exactly what they wanted and the wrong thing to do. 

I have been extremely troubled myself, over the course of my life... the darkness of nighttime seemed to be consuming me, I went from a robust child with a gift for happiness to an underweight, energy-less wraith.  I remember thinking that it felt like there was an icy knife in my chest (heart chakra damage, I guess?), a hole torn in my stomach (solar plexus?).  I feared to sleep, ate little, dreamed nightmares only, and my only relief was nature.  I spent my days in trees, making friends with them and the animals, for they were in my eyes far more kindly than humans.  

It only got worse, unfortunately; even when I moved out from my parents', the demons of course followed me.  I became rage-prone, selfish, small-thinking, greedy.... began to display demon qualities myself, qualities my whole life I had despised and avoided but which had tried to crop up.  All the while I had no notion of what was happening to me.  Hating what I was becoming, and tormented by what I did not know, I tried to take my own life

I survived, left an unhealthy relationship, went through some hellish things which made me all too aware of unhealthy beliefs I have had, ways I have been

Somehow all of this resulted in my eyes opening very wide.  I am aware and have been made aware of by trusted individuals that there are some very powerful (at least as far as these low creatures go) entities attached to me.  One is hooked into my back, and this is by far the most troublesome.  It pains me constantly.  It feels as if there is a clawed hand gripping my muscles, my bones in its grip and squeezing relentlessly, creating pain enough to bring me to my knees and cause tears.  I do no exaggerate that it can be agonizing.  It extends tendrils into my heart and drains me, leaves me a fraction of energy with which to go about my day (fear-harried and indoors/in nature, never in public; I am a hermit to an extent that is not by choice.  I feel imprisoned)..  And all this, now, with me consciously knowing (roughly) what to defy, and defying it.  I've had success in regaining more of my thoughts and will but the pain has worsened, and if ever I am gripped in despair it is a nightmare to escape

I am a happy person, naturally.  I'm lucky to find joy in little things like buds, the first thunder of the season, food enjoyed among friends.... I am not hard to please.  Except that if my guard drops for even a second, if something startles or upsets me, I am in its grip and experiencing awful physical and emotional sensations that can warp my very view of reality, and that if I am not swift to escape will urge me to kill myself

It is very confusing, because day to day I live in a cheerful and loving fashion, and this entity causes me 'episodes' which punctuate normal daily life.  I do not understand how something needing to parasite off of me can have such control over me.  I feel my very thoughts are intruded upon, my mind's eye, and most especially my spirit's sanctity 

I have learned from dreams that there is at least 1 mantis-looking, alien-like being, a reptilian gargoyle/alien-like being, and some shadow creature that is hard to discern... at least.  With the level of pressure I experience from the creatures I would easily believe there are more.  

I have tried to banish these from me, and a trusted healer friend did manage to remove.at least something for a time... but their grip is ridiculous.  They just keep coming back.  I am guessing it has to do with my father, who is dealing better outwardly but still demon-harried now..  I was also told something very strange, which worries me and I would like clarity on: that I am harboring a past life gargoyle-looking incarnation of me (reptilian I am guessing)... and out of compassion/willingness to take on a burden, whatever that means?  Why would I sympathize with such a creature?  And how could it ever have been me, repulsed as I am by its darkness?  Apparently I have some sort of karmic tie, unclear.  I've read of bloodlines especially harried by just such demons and it does seem to apply.  It seems they are linked to me on many fronts

And so I do not know how to proceed.  My efforts feel like the weak wiggling of an animal in a trap.  And I want to act quickly, because 1) my quality of life is very poor despite being in the best circumstances I've been in in my life, this due to what I refer to as 'episodes' (the agony and crippling despair/assaulting triggering imagery to make me wish to die, which is no small feat).  And 2) it feels as if I am in a critical place, like I've drawn negative attention with my efforts and so the anti is being upped and I am already struggling to withstand as it is.  I KNOW I am stronger than these beings, it just seems as if my power has been stolen somehow.  I seem stuck between doom and redemption and all I want is to be myself, think my own thoughts, act freely.

Does anyone have advice for me?  I'm sorry this post is so long, it may subtract from replies, but I had much to say apparently.  It would be a dream come true to find external help, as it seems clear to me I am in need of guidance, support and healing.  What is going on in my family, with all these demons?  Why do they have such control over me?  And how do I escape, not just temporarily but once and for all?  I am done with this long chapter

Edit: also, I am not able to access spiritual gifts well at all anymore (could heal with my hands, astral travel/meditate at will, etc. as a child.  Much harder now)... it feels like they're locked to me.  I have heard of energy implants and I believe I have many.  I assume escaping these would be part and parcel of escaping the entities

Any assistance would mean much.  Thank you for reading