Am I possessed?

[Naeranira]

A few other questions, put up here in case no one wants to read this novel of mine (no hard feelings.  It's just that there's not really anywhere I can express myself about this.  I did hold back believe it or not -.- )

1. What sorts of entities go about possessing people?  And why, respectively?  Are there any possessions not considered a negative thing, i.e. more symbiotic?  Multiple souls sharing a body?  I doubt it, but if so, how can you tell the difference?  
2. If I do indeed have a demon, it wishes harm only on those who 'deserve' it, i.e. rapists, pedophiles, etc. Still hateful, predatory emotions, but very specific. It feels protective and guardian-like, as I am, as far as innocents go.. This is confusing to me, because are demons not evil creatures?  Why would they distinguish? And I have been driven to hurt innocents in my youth by something. It just seems different. Which leads me to
3. Can multiple beings affect me in different ways all at the same time?  Must they all mean me harm?  
4. I have been told that at least 1 entity around me looks like a stone gargoyle.  And does not seem innately evil.  They suggested it was a past life incarnation of me, actually, which is confusing.  But I've also heard tell of reptilians having a gargoyle-like appearance and being tricky.  Kind of random, but has anyone heard of anything like this?  Can you be possessed by yourself?  Do you think that is really what is going on, or is it something malicious trying to trick me into having a affinity?  It is so complex
5. How can I break the shackles of mind implants, of entity oppression, how can I retrieve my soul?  I am so weakened and nothing has worked so far.  I am desperate honestly

I remember at age 12 I wrote a poem about something trying to claw its way out of me.  I have always had rage problems, since very young, and in these rages I was able to lift/throw heavy objects (an entire couch for example) with supernatural strength, I would snarl, bite and claw.  For context, I was abused badly from near infancy, so this was in response to said treatment, usually. Once I glared at my abuser with such heat that he literally turned pale and actually backed off of me. I also had a couple rare sociopathic moments; the worst was, I killed a mouse in cold blood, squeezed the life out it in curiosity. I was 6.  It still haunts me.

On the light side, I was a happy, fey creature who spent my time delighting in nature, and playing with great energy with animals.  People commented that I glowed, that I had a gift for joy.  This was merely eclipsed by whatever that other mental state was

I took some pleasure in the expression of rage.  It made the pain in me less.  I learned to keep it to myself, from harming those I loved, eventually.  But if I do have a demon, it is very full of rage, because I am very full of rage... it burns in me, always, this anger at being trapped and abused and treated so poorly... it makes me wish to escape and wreak my revenge.  But on whom?  Not innocents, for all I feel toward them is protectiveness.... men, perhaps.  Those men which consume porn like demons of lust, empty of respect, of the innate protective natures they are supposed to have, who instead take out their perversions on women and children alike in the form of physical emotional and sexual abuse.  Them, part of me might harm gladly.  Might rid from this world and feel no remorse

All through childhood,  my nights were filled with terrors, murmuring voices constant as water flowing, great, black eyes in the windows, dreams of falling through the sky, of running uncontrollably and afraid in dark forests and waking with the door to outside open, covered in bruises and scratches.  I felt presences in the room.  I was paralyzed with terror and would lose memory.I was sick. I felt a great emptiness open in my belly, and then the pain.

Suffice it to say my darkness fluctuated over the years.  My heart was always innocent, simple, wishing only the best for myself and others, but I could not seem to control my actions at times.  

Ultimately I hit rock bottom, became demon-like myself (more calloused, cruder, more aggressive, more sexually perverse) to try to 'toughen up' but ended up trying to kill myself because I hated what I'd become.  I survived that, ending up in the ER and a behavioral place  A month after getting out, I was attacked by someone, violated by another, somehow survived those things, too. I had truly hellish PTSD that would wake me in a dumb prey-like panic, release me to sleep hours later, empty of tears and soaked in fear-sweat.  My episodes had me mindless to the world around me as I listened again and again to the echo of cruelties done to me., felt the helplessness, the betrayal, the part of me that still trusted people on some level, die.  I weathered the storm and it was a rough year recovering

Which brings me to now, today, a year and a half later.  I am halfway free, in that I can stop my words when they are mean or thoughtless, quell aggravation, etc. Indeed there is a lot less to quell. I am much more peaceable and my relationships with people are healthier than ever.  I have many happy moments

My problem now is how I feel all of the time.  It is both a pressure, and a pain. It is like torture.  I cannot sit still long enough to paint, or to make music, or any of the things I used to love, I haven't the patience. When I try to do these things, the sensation intensifies, as if my insides are twisting up around themselves to tearing.  It has had me in the fetal position, weeping like a broken child, or vomiting violently; it feels like there is a clawed fist, or a giant barbed fishhook in my back, wrenching.  My mind is weighted by something, squashed by an oppressive presence.  Every step I take is as if through quicksands. This is what I experience all day long, on a lesser to moderate level, and extremely when I have what I call 'episodes,' which can be caused simply by my tiring of resisting (rare), or by my being startled/upset somehow... it's like, I drop my guard for a second and I am overcome.  They are also used against me in punishment if I do anything to try to better my situation, function more fully.  I have had an episode come on as punishment for reading about aliens, MILABS, anything that is a threat to this... imprisoning

That, and certain thoughts remind me of specific traumas and I will relive those feelings over.  But repeatedly and intrusively, to the point where I want to stop up my brain.  It gets severe enough at times I wish to die to end it, and at times I think that is the idea.  That the more I resist the less use I am, and I am encouraged to die, though I continue resisting stubbornly. There are also things I can still be horrified with and that fear is an undercurrent to my life.  And I have hateful thoughts about myself, refer to myself in insults mentally, if I do not catch myself.  There are ways my mind does not seem at all my own.

There is so much will in me, so much life, yet it is tired, tired.  Sometimes I want to give up the ghost.. But I don't know what would happen if I stopped fighting.  Only that, somehow, I would not be myself, and that that is a terrible thing.  I spend my days wandering my bedroom like a fevered and restless ghost, trying to contain the chaos in my belly, the static in my mind which is like a waterfall, constantly beating, as I try to think of, to learn of, a way to escape.  It is what I turn all of my energy to.

My own desire for freedom, for vast alpine meadows and monolithic trees, my own calls, are mixed with those of whatever possesses me, whether it is a demon or my dark side I do not know.  My mind is broken, the fragmented thoughts are scattered by the deafening roar of a wild creature kept in a cage in the dark, by the keening cry of some sea bird tossed far from the ocean by a gale, with only a memory of shining waves to sustain it in its exhausted flight for home

I seek help.  Though I do my utmost it has been my entire life so far and I am not yet free.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 12, 2018 by Naeranira

[silenceseeker]

Hello Naeranira,

I personally don't feel that you are possessed but that decision will need to come from you ultimately, of course. Possessions by entities do occur but I don't think it's as common as many people think. The main reason people get possessed is really that they 'allow' themselves to get hooked emotionally with something that draws energy off an emotion that is prevalent in their energy, usually it's fear or anger but it could be grief as well. By people holding on to these emotions, from past experiences that are now embedded into their energy, they create openings for other things that feed off of those emotions to set hooks into them. But we can drain our own energy in a similar fashion, just by keeping the past alive inside us, which we all do.

The simple but not easy or quick solution is to remove the hooks and openings where you are susceptible. So how do you go about removing that susceptibility, how do you reach a place of detachment where you are no longer drained by the events and emotions of your past or susceptible to triggers from outside sources?  It's a self-healing process that takes time. Our whole first tier here is designed to help people self-heal to a point where they feel in control of their energy, they understand why they are the way they are and how their life events and cultural patterns brought them to their current situation.

That takes time but you can start bringing relief right now by working with the recapitulation exercise posted below.  I would also recommend taking Recapitulation I, if you can. It is a beginner class and you would get support here from us directly as you go through the process. The Recapitulation process is the first step in self-healing as it is about recovering energy tied up in your past memories and experiences, you will need this energy to be recovered in order to move on to higher levels of training in this tradition but in and of itself, if you go no further, the recapitulation will bring you back to a place of balance. It can bring you to a place where you have the clarity to see the path to create the life you want to live.  It won't be easy, it won't be fast, but it truly works if you put the effort in and the work you do will create lasting, permanent, positive change. 

We recently started the Recapitulation I class, I can check if you would like to join in late, I think they have had two classes out of eight. It's not too late to join but after this week, it would be best to wait until the next session sometime probably end of May, beginning of June. (the class costs $75). The next class is tomorrow night - Saturday, April 14th at 10PM ET).

Regardless, the exercise below will take you a long ways by itself, it is the first exercise given in the class. Just let me know if you are interested in joining in, if you put the time and effort in to working with this technique, you will not regret it.

Lorrie

Link to article on site

Theory of Recapitulation

The theory of recapitulation is simple. Every interaction you have had with other people in your life has tied up personal energy.  Each memory you have requires energy to keep it alive and maintain the emotions you have about the encounter. Over the course of a lifetime, you invest enormous amounts of energy in these things and they drain you, make you miserable, and create behavior in the present predicated on the energies of the past. You will be surprised after doing even a partial recapitulation at how much energy it was taking on a daily basis to keep those things from the past alive in the present.  Shamans know, or have seen, that we as human beings do not have an infinite amount of personal energy.  We need every little scrap available to us in order to live life effectively or for shamans, to accomplish the tasks that they feel lie before them. Modern psychologists try to do much the same thing as the recapitulation for their patients.  On an energetic level, the changes in individuals are quite profound, even for those who practice it purely for reasons of self-healing.

You will be surprised after doing even a partial recapitulation at how much energy it was taking on a daily basis to keep those things from the past alive in the present.

Recapitulation Exercise

The physical process is simple and is as follows: You can make a list - of people, experiences, life events - and follow it, not a bad idea actually, or pick a time period of your life that you are going to recap.  The technique is very simple.  Begin by arranging some time that you won't likely be disturbed.  You will need a space that compresses your energy.  A closet would do, or even putting a heavy blanket over you will work as well.  Quiet your mind and relax, setting the intent to retrieve your energy trapped in your past.  Bring up a specific memory or event.  Get it pictured right in front of your face in as much detail as possible.  (Colors, sounds, smells, people involved, etc.) Turn your head to the left and exhale, then slowly turn your head from left to right drawing in the energy of the scene in front of you with your breath (inhale).  When your head is completely to the right again, turn slowly back to the left exhaling the foreign energy (that which is not yours) that exists from the scene.  Keep sweeping the scene until you feel 'done' with it.  Go on to the next event on your list, or that comes to mind, and keep doing this until you have worked through each one.  Be aware of what you are doing and stay focused.  If you're just starting the recap, I would suggest fifteen to twenty minutes a day just to start out, give it two weeks, then take stock of where you are.

When you are finished the first time you may feel a little lightheaded, that's normal.  It means something is changing.  If the memories you are working with are especially painful or traumatic, it may take a number of recapitulations to completely suck the energy back out of them.  You will know it is working when you recall one of the memories and find that the emotions it was evoking in you have lessened, or even completely disappeared.  Sometimes you may look at them and feel like they aren't even your memories - they seem as though they happened to someone else.  This is a start; you may want eventually to do a complete recapitulation.  Shamans are never done recapitulating; it is done over and over through a lifetime.

There are other techniques that can be added to this, but this is the core of recalling personal energy to yourself from the past.  The other methods seem too theatrical to me, too much symbolism to be immediately useful.  It may seem silly at first, but if you keep it up it will make a major change in you, give you more clarity and change the perspective from which you make decisions now in your life.

Now, you may ask, 'Why the recap and not (fill in practice of your choice)?'  The reason the recap works when many other things only appear to work is twofold.  One, it is a real physical/energetic connection in your energy - it is a physical act through your energy, and because of that it involves you completely in the process.  Two, the recapitulation demands that you work at the process of first, self healing and then movement beyond healing into the shamanic.   You can't just say you recap and expect everything to be 'all wonderful and stuff'. You can't just say, "I forgive X for dumping crap in my life," and expect it to work either; there must be a physical and energetic breaking of those connections.  This is real, not illusory in terms of changes.

It may seem silly at first, but if you keep it up it will make a major change in you, give you more clarity and change the perspective from which you make decisions now in your life.
Let me add a couple of things here.  The recap is real, but unlike other methods I have seen, even some claiming to be recapitulation, this process ends in nothing less than a transformation of the individual practicing it.  Don't take it lightly.  If you like your life just the way it is, don't start the recap.  One of the things that bother me about other approaches is that they go nowhere.  People use the techniques, but no change or progress is made.  I think that is attributable to a single reason.  No one ever talks about the patterns created through connections, or how the ghosts of those connections remain in your energy like the grooves on a record and they will try to re-exert themselves again if you don't erase them.  As you recap, you will find that to be the case over and over again - circumstances will seem to conspire to get you back into a pattern, which you have recently been recapping.  The difference comes in recognition and the ability to be detached from the pattern enough not to repeat it.  But the ways in which this occurs, the re-exertion can at the least, be entertaining.

[Hierophant]

Naeranira, if I may.

 

The initial thought I had when reading your post(s) was the familiarity of some of what you are experiencing in comparison to my own. I was hesitant to reach out because silenceseeker had posted such a wonderful reply but I thought I would contribute something from my own perspective and I wanted to begin by saying that I do not think we can accurately label an energy as a ‘demon’. I’ve always found myself fascinated by Ed and Lorraine Warren's works in regards to the paranormal but found it, in many ways, insufficient in identifying the true nature of what we have come to call as ‘demonic.’

It always makes me wonder, if demons are masters of illusions and tricks, what are they really?

But I’ll save theology for another time!

You asked: “What sorts of entities go about possessing people?”

And I thought: “The ones that resonate with those people in some energetic/psychological way.”

Most attachments I’ve encountered have always been symbiotic; that both parties receive something from the relationship in one way or the other.

From personal experience with a case close to home, I can say that I have witnessed a cluster-spirit situation on two occasions. One was with a friend of a friend that was diagnosed with “multiple personality disorder” and another (still a current case actually) with some dear friends and their autistic nephew. Both are such unique situations that it’s hard to set them beside a single-attachment and say that there is not a group involved.

I realize now, as I’m writing and thinking about my response, that it’s actually oddly difficult to clearly separate the two unless you tune-in intimately to the situation and are capable of reading the subtle energy changes.

I think my distant friend with MPD sometimes and I find that the easiest way to explain it is that when their personality changed, so did the energy/vibrations around them. It really felt no different than interacting with different people of different origin/creative expression.

Sometimes too, it’s like a ‘clamor’ of energy where there are many parts to the whole. “One thing” manifested by “many voices”. Kind of like looking at a petri dish of muddy water under a microscope. With the naked eye, you see water with little particles of dirt swishing around with the H2O, but with the microscope, you see tons of individual little cells doing their thing as a collective. Feeding, dividing, growing, sometimes in-fighting, and generally, just expanding and populating their ecosystem.

Your next one: “If I do indeed have a demon, it wishes harm only on those who 'deserve' it, i.e. rapists, pedophiles, etc. Still hateful, predatory emotions, but very specific. It feels protective and guardian-like, as I am, as far as innocents go.. This is confusing to me, because are demons not evil creatures? Why would they distinguish? And I have been driven to hurt innocents in my youth by something. It just seems different.”

This situation is rather familiar to me.

To make an incredibly long story short, and to put it in a nutshell, I resonate with the situation because I experienced a lot of tragedies near the beginning of my life. I was diagnosed with cancer, experienced various forms of abuse (sexual and not) throughout a greater part of my life, and was homeless/gypsied for just as long. Set aside a lot of manipulation, hunger, and people that didn’t stick around and you have a recipe for a lot of anger, hatred, and resentment to people as a whole.

My only response to that inquiry is that I do not believe it to be an entity whatsoever, but the way that the your attachments to the experiences have manifested.

It is in no way a negative thing, it just means what you need most at this moment is love, support, self-love, and self-healing. Which is why silenceseeker’s post was awesome. I’ve only recently battled my own demons in that way and I will also support her in that the journey to self-healing can sometimes be an incredibly difficult one. And really, it’s one that never ends until you find true peace and love for it all and are capable of defining what peace and love mean to you.

I will also say that it’s incredibly rewarding.

When that negative space was cleared, a whole lot of positive came in.

This leads me to: “Can multiple beings affect me in different ways all at the same time? Must they all mean me harm?”

This feels like a little bit of a sticky question.

Yes, multiple beings can affect you, or anyone, in many ways but it boils down to a matter of the reason why they are capable of affecting you in the first place. It would be easy to say “just set up boundaries and clear them with intent” but I don’t like that answer nor the implications of it. I believe the true task is self-healing.

There is something in you that resonates with them, in that symbiotic way, and that something has to be eliminated in order to remove the resource that these things are feeding from. To put this into better perspective, you mentioned that you fall down in crippling pain when you attempt to do something that you love.

That is a sign that what you love will eliminate what they need to survive.

Part of the self-healing has to be not only coming to peace with all the events in your life but to put something in place of what was there. Pulling in positive energy and things that nurture the ‘good’ in order to grow and evolve beyond your experiences, the emotions, and the entities that were part of the ‘old way’.

There is a saying that “the shadow is only as large as you think it is”.

To apply more of your situation to all of this (and what I did on my own journey), I’d suggest exploring the energy associated with the protective, guardian-like being that seeks to do harm to those who deserve it, while you are on your self-healing path. Figure out what it needs to protect. Then go deeper and view that thing, and deeper still, until you find the root. If it needs love, give it love. If it needs to be retrieved, let it be retrieved and bring it to a better place in order to transform it. If it’s something else that needs to be done, only you will know what it will be. The best part about self-healing is that the best way is the personal way.

To the second half of the question, not all entities/spirits have to be negative or harmful and it is never a bad idea to reach out to the loving, positive entities that resonate with you.

There was a quote from a channeling I was present with that I really like... though I don’t necessarily remember the exact wording, it was something like, “We are not your gods. We are not above you, or below you, and you are not above us, or below us, we are simply beside one-another and are all equal in all things. Do not kneel before us, stand beside us, and know that it is okay to ask for help. We are all ready to assist you in your endeavors, all you have to do is ask.”

“I have been told that at least 1 entity around me looks like a stone gargoyle. And does not seem innately evil. They suggested it was a past life incarnation of me, actually, which is confusing. But I've also heard tell of reptilians having a gargoyle-like appearance and being tricky. Kind of random, but has anyone heard of anything like this? Can you be possessed by yourself? Do you think that is really what is going on, or is it something malicious trying to trick me into having a affinity? It is so complex.”

I only have a small perspective to offer on this one, but from my aspect of the world, I’m inclined to believe that you’re not necessarily ‘possessed’ by yourself but have manifested a facet of yourself in order to preserve. To many cultures that have the gargoyle, it’s a creature meant to ward off harmful spirits, much like the Komainu to the Japanese or the Shisa to the Chinese.

This is mostly just food for thought.

And the last one: How can I break the shackles of mind implants, of entity oppression, how can I retrieve my soul? I am so weakened and nothing has worked so far. I am desperate honestly.

Self-healing.

That is where it all begins.

I’ve also done a kind of cord-cutting as well as done some weaving/matrix work to really understand that nature of myself and all things. If you’re interested in the techniques I’d be more than open to share but my first inclination is to support the recapitulation and a true self-healing journey. All the other stuff can come later when you’re ready and at a point in your journey to take on more.

Please also take all of this with a grain of salt.

If it resonates with you, awesome! If not, that’s okay too!

I just hope I was capable of bringing something to the table in light of your journey.

Mitakuye oyasin.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Hierophant