Transitioning, mind integration ?

[Stacey]

Hi,

I'm looking for Maker advice on dealing with life outside of the Shamanic. I notice whenever I'm in my awareness/intent exploring around I am fine. Totally fine, mesmerized, very understanding and respecting of my personal power and starting to accept it. I needed a lot of rest today and allowed that so I dove into the sea a bunch to rest and recover, learning everything I need to know. with my *energy* that is. Everything makes sense, and I can tell my self doubt is either weakening or I'm just not in my head when I'm there. When I get out of it however I'm sucked right back into the abyss again- I just feel like the same old intensely crazy person I am again, intrusive thoughts come crashing in, I feel like I need to run away from everything I know, flashbacks over everything, feeling deathly over my break up with my ex bf, and soooo very rawwwww. I am holding on to my big intents and shooting them out with all the strength of my will, recapping, etc. being resourceful. Do I just need to keep holding on tight like this and putting up with my crazies until...I don't know when? What advice or wisdom do any of you have for intrusive thoughts? I saw a fox before who told me I needed to approach them like a fox would, would this require shapeshifting? I have done it with a crow once and great white sharks many times, just something that seems to happen on its own. Just not sure if it's advisable early on like this.

 

Thanks,

S.

[Karl]

If it comes in like "snapping back" into a form, those are patterns, habit of thought, etc. coming to the front. Those patterns are formed out of emotional energy and intent over the years of repetition, sort of like wearing a path or a groove into dirt by walking it a lot. Think of them as solidified thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams, fears, and, of course, intent that you "snap into" when presented with the appropriate venue or triggers. It's made up of your own energy, like building your own walls, and while that energy is in there, it both locks you into those patterns as well as not being available for other things.

We present a lot of tools to work with those, but the main one is the recap. You can also work energy free through things like stalking practices, but the best and most comprehensive tool is to unwind that solidified energy and take it back through the recap.

Dealing with intrusive thoughts and stuff is especially difficult, because you feel kind of helpless. It feels very hard to change, and it is hard to change, but change comes through a lot of small steps and small bits of energy you retrieve through personal healing. If you set an intent to change it, if you work that boring ol' recap exercise daily for 15 minutes, recapping the day, it will start to give way. The parts of you that are stuck in those patterns are not stronger than the whole of you.  

[Stacey]

Karl,

Honestly your comment saved me from further spiraling downward today. The recap has been trying recently because I feel more distracted by the intrusive thoughts than usual, feeling really disconnected, and my expectations of myself are pretty high, which is expressive of that wall. I think it's all coming forward like this because I'm ready, not that I FEEL the least bit capable of handling it all. But I'm gonna try to keep the gentle energy of your comment in mind...sometimes I think if I could figure out how to be gentle to myself, that whole wall would just untangle seamlessly. Thanks for being intentionally gentle with me.

S.

[Karl]

You're welcome. Please keep in mind that it's a long process, with steps forwards and backwards, so don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, we need to learn to feel compassion for ourselves, more than anybody else. 

Something you learn when you start delving into patterns, especially deeply personal and/or life-long patterns, is that they bite back when you try to change them. They will kind of fight you and try to make you understand that you're the way you meant yourself to be - why bother changing anything? It's soooo hard.   You're better off not ever thinking about changing - it's pointless.  

If you go into it with an unyielding intent to change, and understand that it's going to take its sweet time, but you don't care, that you're going to get there even if it takes a long time, it will happen, bit by bit. You built your current self up over a long time. It's going to take time and effort to change it, and being too hard on yourself only will get in the way.

[Stacey]

Yes!- I thought my feeling rather mentally ill recently had to do with my mind fighting hard against my changing. When I finish my recapping since I started it, I see the same angry face being all threatening. Early on in the process I understood this to be a configuration of my own energy. I figure it's old, as it looks just like Hexxus from Fern Gully-my fav movie as a small child. I'd like to add though that the first time I went to read the bones of the dead this past Monday, I felt so in my power afterward that I saw the face vividly and just cut it down the middle. 

I'm glad to hear the process is not perfect. I wasn't letting go of an expectation that if I were doing this right I'd feel unbelievably awesome all the time by now, therefore I must be messing this up, not really recapping, etc.

Right now I'm going to theta out, watch videos of foxes hunting and write my thoughts down, then recap. I'll let you know how I feel afterward. Thanks again for medicinal comments.

[Stacey]

Hi Karl, 

Just wantedto let you know as I said I would that recapping went great yesterday and I've been feeling really well since approaching my intent without yielding. I had a bit of a fright about an hour ago with sudden self doubt which led to depression and have been resting, but I'm about to recap and intend to recover whatever the "attack" was drawing to my attention.

S.

[Karl]

Great! I've seen a lot of people do the recap (seriously), and it's always a difficult road, with ups and downs. But I've never seen anybody who truly intended to succeed in it fail. Sometimes, we need to let go of our need for it to work right now, or a certain way. It has its own momentum and direction and timing. The important thing is to hold our intent to heal ourselves and recover our energy through it all.